Celebrity boxing sucks. We need CELEBRITY SLAP FIGHTS

There is no sports movement I detest more than celebrity boxing. I’m not going to clutch pearls over how it destroys the “sanctity of the sweet science,” or anything like that — though I totally understand if die-hard boxing fans feel that way. Rather, my gripe stems from the fact that it’s just incredibly dumb and boring.

The worst part if seeing people need to pretend like this is a real sport. You can pull up advanced stats on the punch rate from Jake Paul, for instance, loving put together by someone who loves the inner workings of boxing, but has to reduce their craft to pointless nonsense. Obviously there’s ludicrous interest in seeing if your favorite YouTuber can even last a round with Floyd Mayweather, which is why people buy these PPVs — but it also means we see stuff like this.

There has to be a better way to settle fake online beef in a real arena, while satiating our thirst for violence. Celebrity slapping is the way. The UFC’s Dana White is bringing the “Power Slap League” to the United States next year, with other slap-based events taking part in the past.

It’s exactly what you think it is. Just two people hauling off and slapping each other as hard as they can. It’s the baking show Nailed It! equivalent to the UFC’s British Bake Off. Easy to consume violent hilarity, that doesn’t really require athletic prowess beyond slapping someone — and knowing where to slap someone.

I don’t have a specific desire to watch influencers, YouTubers and former NFL players dance around a boxing ring pretending like they know how to throw a punch. I do, however, have a long list of influencers, YouTubers and former NFL players I’d love to see get the shit slapped out of them.

Sure, there are critics and legitimate concerns about slap fighting. At high levels we’re talking about hulking brutes striking each other as hard as possible with ungloved hands, resulting in a lot of horrific knockouts. Like boxing though, I don’t think random “celebrities” will be able to hit that hard, so it’ll just be a chance to see them slap each other.

This was we can preserve the sport of boxing, move the sideshow to a sideshow sport, and ensure we actually see some of humanity’s most annoying people hit each other for real in the face, the way God intended.

I don’t know how we make this happen. Normally I’d suggest Tweeting at Dana White or something, but given the way Twitter is spiraling around the toilet bowl I don’t know if there will still be a site by the time slap fighting becomes a thing. In any event, for now it’ll just be a dream. A beautiful, magical dream.