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Battleship (M, 131mins) Directed by Peter Berg **
You’ve got to admire Hollywood’s audacity. Accused of only being able to make sequels, remakes and comic or book adaptations, they came up with a new masterplan in the 1980s – raiding the toy box.
But while G.I. Joe stayed true to its shiny-haired doll’s legacy and Clue(do) at least had a Professor Plum, a conservatory and a candlestick, the only thing that connects this overblown 2012 action film, which emphasises the bomb in bombastic, to the more than 80-year-old board game is that it feels plastic, appears stiff (and has a few ships in it).
Like the Transformers movies that it is clearly inspired by (the aliens’ spaceships are straight from the Decepticons’ fall collection), this is a movie where the plot drowns in the bay, sorry, mayhem.
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In Battleship, Rihanna plays a character who seems to be the love-child of Kylie Minogue in Street Fighter and Will Smith in Independence Day.
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Our nominal hero is United States Navy tactical action officer Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch). A former drifter, he has transformed his life with the help of his big brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgard), a career naval man, and pneumatic naval physio Samantha (Brooklyn Decker), who both encouraged him to commit himself to the cause.
However, he now faces his toughest test, asking Sam’s father for her hand in marriage. Of course, he just happens to be Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson), whose dislike for Alex is cemented by a brawling incident, which threatens not only Alex’s chances of getting a positive reply, but also his entire career.
Just when the Admiral is about to lower the boom though, a bigger threat faces them all. Gatecrashing the annual 14-nation Rampac military exercises off the coast of Hawaii are a group of alien spaceships – and they don’t exactly want to play by the usual rules of engagement.
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Like the Transformers movies that it is clearly inspired by (the aliens’ spaceships are straight from the Decepticons’ fall collection), Battleship is a movie where the plot drowns in the Bay-, sorry, may-hem.
Director Peter Berg really should stick to black comedies and small-town dramas. While Very Bad Things and Friday Night Lights were inventive and compelling tales (presaging more commercial, similarly themed hits The Hangover and Moneyball), his more action-orientated flicks The Kingdom and Hancock struggled tonally. And here he might have met his Waterloo.
Saddled with a script (by Red scribes Erich and Jon Hoeber) that wants to both quote Homer and ape Don Simpson’s (The Rock, Con Air) action licks, he can only deliver a film as Homer Simpson might have imagined it.
There’s product, and yes, placement (with special emphasis on Hawaii’s big naval attraction), sturm und drang and – inevitably – somebody mentions Sun Tzu’s The Art of War – twice.
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Battleship’s nominal hero is United States Navy tactical action officer Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch).
Xenophobia abounds, with Hong Kong coming in for a hammering and the Japanese “help” (designed to give the film an international sales boost) handled with a heavy hand.
Name actor Neeson (Schindler’s List) looks grumpy throughout, while pop diva-cum acting debutant Rihanna plays a character who seems to be the love-child of Kylie Minogue in Street Fighter and Will Smith in Independence Day.
In my view, the only person to emerge with any credit is Kiwi boy John Tui. The seemingly gentle giant gives a Hulk-tastic performance as Chief Petty Officer Walter “Beast” Lynch.
Battleship is now available to stream on Netflix and Prime Video.
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