Age gracefully with the help of a geriatric care manager

It can be done in an instant. One day your father will live alone, independent and above all healthy despite his advanced age. The next he’s in bed with a broken thing, dependent on his grown children and forced to move into a long-term care facility because you don’t have time to look for alternatives. I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times.

Dad can’t avoid the aging part, at least not if he’s lucky. But it is not inevitable that he will give up his home, whether it is a real house or an apartment in a high-rise building. That’s why it’s so important to be proactive, not reactive, and find a professional who can help you and your dad (or mom) figure out how to stay home as long as possible, even if injury or illness intervenes . The benefits of staying at home can be both economic and psychological.

First, it’s almost always much cheaper than a nursing home, which can cost over $100,000 a year for a shared room and sometimes double or even triple that for a private one, depending on where you live. Before Medicaid takes effect, you’ll have to spend almost all of your savings and provide years of detailed financial statements. Assisted living is cheaper, but still expensive and not fully covered by Medicaid.

Get help sooner rather than later

That’s why one of my most important pieces of advice to anyone asking about elder care is: Don’t go it alone. Other: Start researching options before your parents need them. You want to operate from a position of strength and health.

Fortunately, there are people who do this kind of work. Called Geriatric Care Managers (GCMs), Life Managers, or even Elder Care Coordinators, they are usually social workers, occupational therapists, or nurses who specialize in helping older people understand what they need and how to they get it – kind of like a professional relative without the built-in family dynamic. I would say that anyone over 65, and certainly over 75, should have this discussion with a professional. It’s not about dependence, it’s about independence.

The GCM’s job is to discover what is important to the customer, identify constraints (real and perceived), find resources, and develop a plan. Maybe a bar in the tub before balance goes bad, or moving dry goods to the lower kitchen cabinets before the arthritis gets too bad. They can help with everything from interviewing home health aides or carers long before they’re needed, which means you can be picky and thus more likely to find a match, to finding a local like-minded group , reducing the anxiety that can come from isolation.

GCMs take the burden off both parents and adult children and allow the affected person to decide what their life will look like going forward. I’ve asked many 80-year-olds what they would have done differently in their lives, and a surprising number of them say they would have taken more risks. So why not now? Why not let them live as full a life as they can and thrive, not just survive?

Where to find help

The US Administration on Aging has a directory to help you and your parent get started, with a caregiver’s corner filled with easy-to-understand information and links to resources. This is a good place to start if you already feel overwhelmed or don’t have the money to hire someone. A local health department or primary care physician can also point you in the right direction. Religious and community organizations can sometimes help as well. Never be shy to ask.

Still, the best case scenario is a certified GCM. You want someone you can build a relationship with over time—rather than destroy it by switching parent-child roles. It is important to have someone who will tell mom or dad the truth and who understands the trajectory of aging. GCM isn’t cheap—typically $50 to $150 an hour—but, trust me, it’s money well spent, even without peace of mind.

A good GCM will give you sound advice and stay out of trouble that you may not even see coming or arising. They can even help clients figure out where to volunteer—reading to schoolchildren or bottle-feeding kittens? – as well as making sure they keep in touch with their own siblings. (Incidentally, GCM work is an expense that insurance usually doesn’t cover, but be sure to double check.)

Costs aside, I cannot overstate the importance of how much this can help families maintain happy relationships. I know an elderly mother who hired a GCM because she saw the stress her caregiving was causing her daughter. Now? Daughter is breathing easy, and mom is hosting yard “sales” for the grandkids and other relatives, sharing stories about the items, and enjoying her final years because she got the help she needed to live them on her terms.