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—Maya Angelou
They say there is no age of love. And in the era of modern relationships, it seems like there is no single definition of love either. Look at Hrithik Roshan, Saba Azad, Sussanne Khan and Arslan Goni partying together in Goa. Ranbir Kapoor and Alia Bhatt are about to get married, but by their own admission, it seems more a formality than the next big step. Sushmita Sen and Rohman Shawl may have called it quits, but they still love hanging out together. Today, people can fall in love, date, live-in, take the plunge, have kids, fall out of love, break up and find love again, in no particular order. It’s all about finding happiness along the way. Lovers are no longer bound by a concept of soul mate or the conventional norms of marriage. They are more acknowledging now than ever of their emotions, feelings and desires; and as long as both parties involved can consent to a decision, what does it matter to anyone else.
Renowned psychiatrist Dr Harish Shetty notes, “Falling in love twice is not unusual. Many also believe that love cannot be restricted to numbers and it’s fine to change tracks and find someone else. Societal narratives keep on changing from one era to the other. There is nothing good, nothing bad. It’s just a change.” And like it or not, Bollywood has been on the forefront of this new wave of modern relationships. It is admirable how Hrithik and Sussanne have moved on from their marriage and yet continue to be a part of each other’s lives. They come together every time their kids need them to and are setting an example of co-parenting the children even after divorce. And the list is long with names like Aamir Khan, Kiran Rao, Saif Ali Khan, Amrita Singh, Arjun Rampal, Farhan Akhtar, Arbaaz Khan, Malaika Arora. In this week’s #BigStory, we explore the changing dynamics of modern relationships and how celebrities are redefining the rules. Read on.
Finding happiness
“People come together to be happy,” filmmaker Vikram Bhatt, who found love again in his 50s, rightly establishes. Humans seek a companion to find happiness, in the absence of which the relationship begins to fall apart. “There was a time when people felt that if you’re married, you have to just live with it, just deal with the sad part and tolerate each other till the dying day. But that changed around 20-30 years back when one saw the rate of divorces go up eventually. Because people realised that if you’re not happy, you don’t have to be unhappy for the rest of your life. Being apart is also not a bad thing,” reflects Vikram.
Noted family lawyer, Mrunalini Deshmukh agrees, “Yes, people fall in love, get married, have kids, fall out of love, get married again. This is a trend in today’s society as we see, at least in the urban metros, in tier two or tier three cities. Today we are talking about ‘grey divorces’. People after about 25-30 years of marriage want to go for divorce because by that time all their commitments, liabilities etc are over and they want to lead their own lives independently and they want to explore whatever it may be – marriage, remarriage. It may be a relationship, it may be just be yourself because all these years you are there for the kids and you are struggling in your career. Now after 20-25 years, you’ve made some money, you want stability etc. So you want to do that. These are known as the ‘grey divorces’ as you start greying, this is what happens.”
Alia Bhatt recently admitted that she’s already married to Ranbir in her head. Similar emotions were conveyed from their family members who said that for the Bhatts and Kapoors, Ranbir-Alia were as good as married. Perhaps young Indian couples can take inspiration from Ranbir-Alia. As matchmaker Sima Taparia of ‘Indian Matchmaker’ fame notes, several educated boys and girls today are confused about their life partner. “When both partners are earning, the key is to balance personal and professional life. A little adjustment, collaborative efforts, and respect go a long way for a married life to be smooth and happy,” she advises.
Finding love after 40s
As difficult as it may sound, individuals today find love in unexpected ways. Hrithik found love in his 40s while chatting with Saba on Twitter. Sussanne found Arslan at a common friend’s party. Malaika Arora is going strong with Arjun Kapoor despite all odds. It’s all about finding the companion you can share your joys and sorrows with.
“All those people who started this movement of growing apart in the 80s or 90s are now in their 40s, 50s, 60s. And you realise that when you’re spending most of your life alone, you have relationships, and you are free, and you can do everything you want to do. But the one thing you’ll miss most is companionship. Something you miss most is care and someone to talk to at the end of the day, when you are middle aged, you realise that everything in life is not about sex. Everything is not about glamour and glitz. There is someone that you just wish was the best friend, someone you can talk to. And I think these marriages at this late age, are basically about that,” reflects Vikram Bhatt.
Sima Taparia, who has found innumerable matches for arranged marriages, differs as she says finding love again in middle age is difficult as it ‘looks like the person is divorced’. “I have done some matchmaking for such higher age-groups. There are many challenges due to age-related factors. Restarting a family is one of the bigger challenges. There are many challenges after a breakup and children also suffer,” she shares.
A realistic way of looking at relationships
Couples either grow together or grow apart, says Pooja Bedi, who is now 51 and has been engaged to Maneck Contractor since 2019. “The big difference is that in the past, it was taboo and a stigma and unacceptable to divorce. A divorcee carried the ‘tag’ of being one. And women especially if they had kids were considered ‘with baggage’ and hence not marriage material anymore. A lot has changed with empowerment movements and laws that support rights of women especially to keep them financially secure post divorce. Today couples do not believe in holding onto dead or toxic relationships for social acceptance. Divorce is no longer a rarity. The pressure to stay a virgin or wanting a virgin to marry is also losing its importance as more and more explore pre marital sex and consider it normal. Sexual taboos are lifting and minds are opening. Relationships are being chosen for who they are, and not stigmas and labels,” she adds.
Filmmaker Vikram Bhatt believes there can be different reasons for individuals seeking a companion, “The reason I got married, for instance, is that Shweta and I were sitting outside the operation room when my father was going through an angiography. We realised that if something like that was to happen to one of us, who would be there. I mean, I have a daughter and she’s responsible and all that, but she will also have her own life. Who’s going to sign the papers? And who will say, ‘Yes, doctor, it’s okay for you to go in and do it.’ You need somebody, you need a partner in life. And then the reasons change,” he says.
Mrunalini Deshmukh who has handled several divorce cases over two decades believes that this shift, which one may call ‘Western culture’, is a very realistic way of looking at relationships. “Like in the case of Hrithik and Sussanne today, when we saw that both the parties had their own concerns as to why they wanted a divorce, at the end of the day, they were very graceful. They were very dignified in the manner in which they separated. During COVID, they were all staying under the same roof for the kids. So it’s a healthy trend that’s happening. It’s unfortunate that the relationship ended, but it doesn’t mean that you have to deal with bitterness for the rest of your life. Because at the end of the day, life has to go on,” she says.
A societal change
Vikram Bhatt agrees that societal change acts as a big influence. “Before the 70s or 80s, in my parents’ generation, we never heard of a divorce. Nobody even thought of a divorce then. Marriage only works in the old way. Marriages worked because one partner was dependent and the other was independent. Generally, the woman in the marriage was a dependent person. She did not know how to make money. They did not know how to live in the world alone. What happened in the 70s and 80s is that women found a voice, women got up and started working. Women found independence and they found the strength to live alone. Now marriages between two independent people will always be a tough one. So marriage is an outdated institution according to me, because the basis of a marriage is one dependent, one independent. The minute you put two independent people together, then the marriage can only work because of love,” he says.
Harish Shetty adds, “Young women, who are financially empowered do not want to settle for less. Their wants are well articulated. For them divorce is not about shaan or shame.”
Concept of soulmate, a thing of the past?
With the increasing number of breakups coming to light, one may wonder if happily ever after even exists. The age-old glorified concept of soulmates seems like diminishing or non-existent today, so to say. “There’s nothing like a soulmate, it’s bullsh*t,” exclaims Vikram Bhatt. “That’s something Archies cards have sold to you. A soulmate is someone who is able to see people change all the time, right? And that’s why marriages don’t work because one guy says, ‘Oh, you changed’ or the girl says, ’Oh, you’ve changed. You’re not the man I married.’ That’s because people change all the time. Our experiences change on an everyday basis. A soulmate is someone who can keep up with your change. So when you cannot keep up with change, you start drifting apart. Living together is easy, changing together is difficult. And if you can change, you’ve found your soulmate,” he says.
Being friends with the ex
Bollywood has living examples like Ranbir Kapoor-Deepika Padukone, Aamir Khan-Kiran Rao, Saif Ali Khan-Amrita Singh, Arjun Rampal-Mehr Jesia, Farhan Akhtar-Adhuna Bhabani, Arbaaz Khan-Malaika Arora and many more who establish that being friends with an ex is, well, possible. Hrithik and Sussanne perhaps went the extra mile and became friends with each other’s partners.
“When you have moved on, you don’t expect the other person not to move on. Aisa thodi hota hai ke aap apni khushi dhund lein, aur dusra aapka naam japta rahe. In every breakup, there are seasons. First comes the season of bitterness and hate. Because if the person has let you down, and then you go through a divorce because you cannot get along, then you realise that after the hate, all that bitterness subsides and we move on in life. You forget and when you forget, you’re like, ‘Okay, you also live and I’ll also live. How does it matter?” says Vikram Bhatt.
Pooja Bedi still remains cordial with her ex-husband and perhaps she has learnt the ropes of relationships from her father Kabir Bedi. “My dad and mom epitomised good divorces way back in the 70s. They shared an incredible warmth, camaraderie and supported each other through all the decades till the day she died. We used to holiday together. We attended his wedding to Nikki together. And he used to stay in our home with Susan (his second wife) and with Nikki. I have a fabulous picture of papa, mom, Nikki, Susan and all of us kids… Adam, me, my ex-husband and Alaya together at a Christmas table,” she says.
Love is all you need
Human beings are social animals that can’t be in solitude forever. They yearn for companionship, they yearn for love. “I’ve had quite a life, I’ve dated beautiful women, successful women and all that, but at the end of the day you just want someone to talk to. At the end of the day you just want someone to love you and someone you can love. A companion is all you need. All you need is love,” says Vikram Bhatt.
Ranbir-Alia, Farhan-Shibani, Vicky Kaushal-Katrina Kaif, you could say modern Bollywood couples are inspiring young Indians to be brave in love. But psychiatrist Harish Shetty has a differing opinion. “Celebrities echo what is happening in society and not the other way around. They are not role models at all,” he concludes.
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