These Are the Highest-Grossing Movies of All Time

*Takes a long, slow pull of a cigar and blows it in your face*

Listen kid, if there’s one thing I know about art, it’s that it doesn’t matter unless it makes you absolutely filthy rich. Art isn’t about moving people, or “holding a mirror” to the “human condition” (what bleeding heart high school drama teacher told you that?). Art is about making MONEY. And LOTS OF IT. Action figures that you can pay to put your face on? That’s art. This bullshit? Not art cause it didn’t make money.

These films I’m about to tell you about? They got the right idea. It doesn’t have to be good, it just has to put butts in seats. And these movies? Listen, kid, these movies put a lot of butts in a lot of seats. You never seen that many butts. Nobody has. It’s almost too many butts. But all those butts bought tickets so I sure wouldn’t kick ’em out of the bed for eating crackers, know what I mean?

We’re only gonna talk about the top 5 highest-grossing films ever, so Top Gun: Maverick doesn’t count. Yeah, I know it just passed Avengers as the ninth highest-grossing film of all time. Well, I just passed a kidney stone the size of a golfball. Big whoop.

5. Avengers: Endgame

What did you expect? Effing Casablanca? You couldn’t pay me to wipe my butt with Casablanca. No, THIS movie. THIS movie right here made me and the guys a lotta money. Wanna know how much? Take a wild guess. A hundred million dollars? How about two? Not even close. This movie made 2.8 billion dollars. That’s “billion” with a “b,” but you probably can’t even count that high can you? Don’t be too hard on yourself, kid. No one can. That’s the point. You know you’ve made great art when the critics can’t even count how much money you made from it.

4. Star Wars

Alright, caveat here. We’re adjusting for inflation on this list. You know, inflation? The thing that makes me richer and you poorer? Exactly, that’s what I’m talking about. When this space opera for virgins came out in 1977, I didn’t think that we’d make a dime. I mean, c’mon? The Force? Lightsabers? People turnin’ out to be other people’s dads the whole time? I thought “Nuh-uh. No way. Bad investment.” But boy was I wrong. Like that little green guy who talks funny (Yogi or whatever) says: this movie made me money, it did. I dunno if he actually said that, I didn’t watch the movie myself, I was too busy watching my bank account, know what I mean? Anyway, you wanna know how much that movie made? Adjusted for inflation, that movie would’ve made 3.05 billion dollars today. That’s like more stars than there are in the fuckin’ sky. More lightyears than there are in the universe or whatever. I don’t know, science is for poor people.

Titanic

And what a titanic hit it was. It had young Leo for crying out loud. That kid could seduce the habit off a nun. When they’re going at it in that car, my God, the temperature in the theater rose 10 degrees. I was there that night, mostly for the end of the movie. I like watching bad shit happen to people who can’t afford stuff. Sue me. Oh wait, you can’t! My lawyers would destroy you faster than an iceberg hitting an unsinkable ship. Which, in the movie, admittedly, does take a pretty long time. This movie made so much money it would’ve sunk the Titanic without an iceberg. Wanna know how much? Well, after adjusting for inflation, this movie made 3.09 billion dollars. You pile that on the ship, she’s sinking right down to the bottom of the sea. Throw all the necklaces you want, old Rose. I prefer cold, hard cash.

Avatar

Good ol’ James Cameron. I never woulda guessed he had it in him. One billion-dollar movie is one thing but two? Oh Jimmy, you never let us down! And you didn’t even have to make something original to do it! All you had to do was take the plot of that Disney garbage, Pocahontas, slather on all the CGI the studio could afford, and BAM! BOX OFFICE HIT. I can’t—hang on, hang on—I’m laughing so hard I’m crying into my champagne! You wanna know how much we made? Alright so get this, without inflation this is the highest-grossing film of all time. With inflation, we made 3.27 billion dollars. What a scream, right? And guess what? There’s gonna be a sequel. We’re going for 6 billion this time! I’ve been having a laugh thinking of a title. How about Avatar 2: Give Us Your Money. Pretty good joke, right? And the punchline is: they will!

Gone With The Wind

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you, I don’t know if this movie is actually any good, I haven’t seen it (looked boring) but apparently, it’s one of the “greatest movies of all time,” and also really racist and incredibly problematic (wow, sounds familiar, it’s like they were listening in on my last convo with HR! Hah!). This movie never seemed like my thing, but, hey, to each their own right? And I own a lot. In fact, my grandaddy was an investor in the film, which was what got me started in this business. Not that he ever helped me out. No, he believed in hard work, and by god, I put the work in. I rose through the ranks all on my own, in a company he owned, with only a tiny, several-million-dollar loan, a modest townhouse in Manhattan, and a generous allowance. It’s like, kids these days, they don’t even understand what a self-made man is, ya know? No work ethic at all.

Anyway, you wanna know how much that movie made? You really wanna know? Alright, with inflation that movie made 3.72 billion dollars. Everybody and their mother must have seen that film three times. I don’t know how they could stand it, it’s like seven hours long right? There’s a fucking intermission for crying out loud. Whatever. It made money. Put it in the hall of fame.

Now get the fuck out. I got more art to make. I hear someone has an idea for a new Hangover Movie that crosses over with The Smurfs. How will that work? Hell, if I know, but it sounds like gold! That Smurfette always was a hot little number.

(Featured image credit: 20th Century Fox/Nickelodeon)

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