The only thing you can control at work is you

The Toxic Coworker Solution: Boundaries

I started working at a streaming company and almost immediately felt friction and tension with my manager and coworkers, many of whom had worked together at different companies for about 20 years. Their way of working and doing things seemed outdated and pointless to me. I questioned processes and policies and tried to make suggestions for ways we could improve. All my suggestions were immediately closed, especially with one colleague. This colleague had been with the company the longest and immediately defended himself. I also found out that she criticized me in front of other colleagues. I feel like she’s helped people form premature opinions about me that aren’t true to my character or representative of my work. (I should also note that this colleague is a white woman, I am a black woman, and her assistant, who is also a black woman, relayed to me the horrible things she said behind my back.)

Several other people have joined the company since I started and also see the problems with this particular colleague’s behavior. I tried to discuss my concerns with her and she either resented me or disagreed with the behavior. I also spoke at length with our manager about this. Our manager sees my side and apologized profusely for this woman’s actions, but did not reprimand her or remove her from the role.

How can I get this troubled co-worker to understand that her behavior is toxic? I know I can’t change people, so how can I create boundaries between myself and this woman? How can I influence my boss to take serious action on this issue and cultivate a work environment where all people’s voices are heard and respected?

— Anonymous

You are asking a lot of questions here that have no satisfactory answers. You want a toxic person to see the error of their ways, but if she was capable of doing that, she wouldn’t be so toxic. You want your new employee as an ally, so you have at least one person on your side. You want your boss to hear your concerns and act accordingly. You obviously feel isolated, which is understandable.

But what you’re asking is, “How do I control people so they behave the way I want them to?” I’m afraid that’s not possible even in situations where all you want is to be seen, heard, and treated with respect. It is a challenge to join a company where employees have a long-standing relationship. This group does not appear to be particularly interested in welcoming new employees, which inherently creates tension.

It also seems like you came into this organization and immediately started criticizing their processes without understanding the culture. This in no way excuses this woman’s behavior, but you may want to consider more effective ways to integrate with this new company. The only actions you can control are your own, so boundaries will truly be your best defense. Limit your interaction with her. If she speaks disrespectfully to you, call her out and document it.

Develop a collegial relationship with your new employee. You don’t have to make her understand your co-worker’s toxicity. I’m sure this goes without saying. Play chess, not checkers. Your colleague is an obstacle that you must work around until you find a way to overcome it. I hope that you and your new colleagues can develop a smoother working relationship. Toxic workplace cultures are unsustainable. You deserve more.