Nikki Glazer lets it all out

Nikki Glazer can’t stop working, so it’s a good thing she loves her job. A stand-up comedian first and foremost (her Comedy Central roasts are you must see), Glazer has taken his sharp sense of humor to the worlds of podcasting and reality television, where he’s currently hosting the second season of the hilariously shallow HBO Max dating show FBoy Island. But Glazer’s natural habitat is on stage with a microphone in hand, which is evident in her new HBO special Good clean dirt. From the tarmac in Albany, the St. Louis native took some time out of her busy schedule to tell us basically everything.

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INTERVIEW: Where do you work?

NIKKI GLASER: There’s no place I can’t work because of the phones. Work can always find me.

INTERVIEW: Where are you now?

GLASER: I’m on a plane right now on the runway in Albany. It’s one of the rare times I can’t work because my laptop needs to be put away for takeoff, but I’m overstepping the bounds and at any moment I’ll be scolded for not having it yet.

INTERVIEW: Who do you work with?

GLASER: In my stand-up, I mostly work alone. I’ll run jokes from my friends or my boyfriend before I put it on stage, but even if they say “I really don’t get it” about a premise, I’ll still try it out in front of an audience before I completely give up on it. And when it comes to podcasting and TV, I depend on others. I would never do a podcast or TV show without someone else leading the way. TV production and podcasting require both preparation and afterwards you have to go back and look at what you just did to make sure it was good. I hate both processes. They evoke in me fear, pity and self-loathing. This is why I love live stand-up; it exists only in the moment. My HBO special Good clean dirt it was supposed to come out in March, but got pushed because I couldn’t bring myself to edit it. The fear of not liking something I couldn’t change was too overwhelming.

INTERVIEW: What is your morning routine?

GLASER: My alarm is “Delicate” by Taylor Swift, which is one of my favorite songs. You might think it would ruin my favorite song if I associated it with waking up, but instead I associate waking up with my favorite song and so it makes waking up a little less painful. Then I take off my oversized t-shirt, which is probably soaked from my night sweats, put on a dry t-shirt, shorts, and some crocs, and walk my dog ​​while placing a mobile order from Starbucks that I pick up on the way. Then I text my podcast producer and co-host that I need to start 20 minutes late. I go back upstairs to my apartment and eat two bowls of oatmeal and maybe a sip of water before heading to my podcast studio to record.

INTERVIEW: What gives you energy?

GLASER: Caffeine. Minutes away from doing something that requires effort. My dog ​​greets me when I come back from the road.

INTERVIEW: What are you made of?

GLASER: Blood, bones and stevia.

INTERVIEWER: How much stamina do you have?

GLASER: Not enough to come up with a smart answer to that.

INTERVIEW: What gives you stamina?

GLASER: My core belief is that I can only rest or feel good if I’ve suffered first.

INTERVIEW: How many hours a day do you work?

GLASER: I’d say about 1-3 if you include all the emails, phone calls and interviews, etc., but if you look at my Google calendar, you’d say about 5-10 with performances and travel. But I don’t consider podcasting a job because it’s just me and my friends talking! I don’t consider stand-up a job because I stand on stage and tell jokes! The TV doesn’t work because I can be on TV! Hair and makeup is texting with one eye closed for someone to apply my eyeliner. Sure, maybe traveling every weekend for stand-up shows counts as work, but it’s not like flying a plane. Answering these questions feels like a job to me because I have to justify what I do as a job and it’s haaaaaard!!

INTERVIEWER: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever worked on?

GLASER: Every time I’ve done a Comedy Central Roast. I’ve done three of them and at the end of each one I tell my friends to never let me do another one. It ruins my life for the three weeks I have to prepare for them. Not only am I such a bitch during these periods because I have to change the way my mind works to think of such cruel jokes, but I also exhaust myself from writing and performing. Roasts is the biggest platform for a stand-up comedian outside of meeting Kim Kardashian, so I aim to have the best set possible, which means writing every day, performing and perfecting jokes every night multiple times, and crying a lot in between this because i think i’m going to bomb. There’s no way to really tell how you’ll do on show night because there’s no test run for the roast itself. Random audiences are not like baked audiences. It’s much easier for an audience to laugh at cruel jokes about someone when that person isn’t sitting on stage next to me.

INTERVIEW: What makes work fun?

GLASER: Friends. I love a good hangout and I’m lucky to be at a stage in my career where I can bring my friends along. My two best friends are opening for me on the road and although they are both talented and their performances add value to the show, the real reason I have them come with me is so we can all sit down after the show and hang out and to laugh. It’s also why I got into reality TV: it’s fun, nobody’s trying to be cool, and I don’t have to be around ACTORS. Reality TV also keeps you humble. No one working in reality TV expects to win critical acclaim. Sometimes we get it, but no one expects it. We’re just in heaven making a show that people fall in love with weeks after meeting. It’s ridiculous and fun and we can’t control anything, so everything that happens is unexpected and exciting.

INTERVIEW: How do you build stamina?

GLASER: In the long run? I make little bets with myself like, “If you don’t run the next mile in under 8 minutes, then you’ll be replaced FBoy Island.” I seriously do stuff like that. I have been tormented by these “tests from God” since I was a child. “If you don’t get to the mailbox by the time the red car passes your house, your sister will be kidnapped.” She’s still gone!

INTERVIEW: What counts as hard work?

GLASER: Everything you fear.

INTERVIEW: What’s stopping you?

GLASER: Imposter syndrome, people liking each other, fatigue, fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of people DMing me and saying “This is so bad”, nihilism, eating too much and not wanting to put on jeans, feeling pale and old, acne, lack of baby milk, laziness, depression, never being able to achieve as much as Taylor Swift no matter what I do, so what’s the point, not having clearly defined goals, global warming up, reading the news, not meditating, a messy room, too much laundry to do, feeling inherently flawed and untalented, comparing myself to my peers and realizing there is an endless list of things holding me back.

INTERVIEW: What is your dream job?

GLASER: A pop star.

INTERVIEW: When do you feel like work?

GLASER: When you’re already planning what you’re going to do when it’s over.

INTERVIEW: What gave you problems at work?

GLASER: Talking about other people without regard for their feelings. I don’t mind sharing every detail of my personal life and sometimes I forget that my friends and family prefer to have private lives. I also have strong opinions about celebrities and sometimes I get upset and forget that they are real people with feelings who have HBO.

INTERVIEW: What is your favorite workout?

GLASER: A long shot where I’m listening to music and pretending I’m in a movie montage where the main character is struggling with a decision or preparing for some kind of metaphorical or literal battle.

INTERVIEWER: How long can you last?

GLASER: I once ran a half marathon. It wasn’t official or anything. My brother-in-law and I just ran 13.1 miles one day. I’ll never do a full one because I want to be able to walk when I’m 70.

INTERVIEW: What gets you up?

GLASER: In the morning? My dog ​​needs to pee. And also food. I skipped breakfast for 20 years of my life because I thought that was what women had to do to stay thin and attractive. I started eating breakfast again a few years ago and forgot what a motivation it is to get out of bed in the morning.

INTERVIEW: What keeps you going?

GLASER: The fear that if I don’t go on, someone else will get better than me and take my place and I’ll be forgotten. And then when they forget me, I won’t be able to make money and my family will be homeless.

INTERVIEW: What makes you tired?

GLASER: Not getting enough sleep. Melatonin, reading, ASMR videos, plane rides.

INTERVIEW: What keeps you awake?

GLASER: The fear of having to wake up tomorrow morning and start all over again.

INTERVIEW: What makes you sweat?

GLASER: Cardio, telling a joke that offends someone (roast doesn’t count because these people literally want it).

INTERVIEW: How are you coping?

GLASER: I focus on how good I’m going to feel when it’s over.

INTERVIEW: How do you disconnect?

GLASER: I’m taking a nap. I’ve never received an urgent email in a dream, so I digress there. A great comic named Nick Griffin once called naps “mini-suicides” and man oh man did that resonate with me.

INTERVIEW: When do you crash?

GLASER: When I can’t be witty or nice anymore and I start to feel like a victim and tell anyone who will listen that no one cares about me and that no one knows how hard my life is. And then I have to assure my Uber driver that none of this has anything to do with him and I’ll still give him a good tip and give him 5 stars and thank you for letting me cry in his car and yes I’m flying with Delta. It’s fine here, thanks.

INTERVIEW: Where do you want to retire?

GLASER: Somewhere where I can have a sanctuary for cows and pigs and chickens that have been rescued from factory farms. There I will produce videos that showcase their unique personalities, tenderness and odd couple friendships. I will then hire some young person to post these videos on whatever social media platform monopolizes our nation’s attention so I can try to get people to stop eating them.

INTERVIEW: Did the work pay off?

GLASER: Yes! I get paid more than I think anyone should really get paid any kind job, let alone one where I’m talking on a microphone about myself, and next week I get to hang out with Conan O’Brien on his podcast. My life is unreal as hell. I shouldn’t have any complaints, but I have so many.

INTERVIEW: What is the atmosphere like at work?

GLASER: Unprofessional.

INTERVIEW: What do you need?

GLASER: Unconditional love, music and caffeine.

INTERVIEW: What disappointed you?

GLASER: Depression, aging, consumerism, fast fashion, animal abuse, selfishness, pollution, plastic bags, greed, the fact that my parents are going to die someday, and this question.

INTERVIEW: Who do you want to be?

GLASER: Memorable, intimate and hot.

INTERVIEW: What do you want to create?

GLASER: Art that makes people feel less alone, overcome pain, and be open to change.

INTERVIEW: What do you want to leave behind?

GLASER: I’d like to write a good song before I die. One that makes people feel 1/128th as emotional as I feel listening to 98% of the Taylor Swift or Wilco catalog. I’d like to leave behind something sincere, which is hard to do as a comedian. I don’t want to leave anything tangible behind. I don’t want anyone going through the trouble of going through all my belongings/trash if I die unexpectedly. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe some great shirts to give my niece Poppy that will remind her of me. This interview depresses me.

INTERVIEW: What is worth fighting for?

GLASER: Love. And a window seat on a long-distance flight. That’s the only way I can sleep. I have to lean against this window.

INTERVIEW: What is your reality?

GLASER: This question hurts my brain and I hate it.