Explaining the ‘Don’t Worry Darling’ celebrity dumpster fire

This all concerns the coming domestic sci-fi thriller “Don’t Worry Darling,” which tells the tale of a young woman whose seemingly perfect 1950s marriage is — say it with me — not what it seems. This movie has no shot of being as good as “Fury Road” but has now supplied more beef to Americans than In-N-Out does in any given week. 

So it’s got that going for it. Allow me to answer all of your questions about this terrestrial infinity war, starting by introducing you to its principles.

Who is Olivia Wilde?

A former A-list-ish actress (“The OC,” “House,” “Tron: Legacy”) who moved behind the camera to direct “Booksmart,” which was my favorite movie of 2019. After “Booksmart” got glowing reviews, Sony and Marvel tapped Wilde to direct an undisclosed tentpole movie that will almost certainly be “Spider-Woman.” This irritated me personally, because I’ve seen what comic book movies do to promising directors whose names do not rhyme with Fistopher Polan. But money is money, and Wilde still got to direct a second feature before getting fed into the Marvel wood chipper. That movie is “Don’t Worry Darling.”

Who is Harry Styles?

The Justin Timberlake of One Direction. Fabulous dresser. My mom ADORES him. Her favorite song in the world is “Watermelon Sugar,” and you better believe I will never tell her what that song is about. I’m not sure if my mom knows that Harry Styles is in “Don’t Worry Darling.” Either she’s tragically ignorant of this fact, or she pre-ordered tickets for it on Fandango four months ago. Could go either way.

Who is Florence Pugh?

An incredibly gifted young actress who also gets the Olivia Rodrigo treatment on Twitter, where people cry out OMG A LEGEND any time she tells the press that she enjoys, like, eating upscale yogurt. Played a Russian assassin in “Black Widow” and was, in the end, the only redeeming thing about that movie. Was also quite winning in Greta Gerwig’s adaptation of “Little Women,” a movie I never expected to watch, let alone enjoy.

Who is Shia LaBeouf?

No, he’s not a classic French stew. LaBeouf started out as a gifted child actor. He anchored Michael Bay’s “Transformers” movies and was the presumed heir to the “Indiana Jones” franchise, but LaBeouf also suffered from alcoholism, had a performance art phase that even Joaquin Phoenix found unnerving, and openly plagiarized a comic book for a short film he made. Most damning, he was sued by musician FKA twigs for allegedly assaulting her, choking her, verbally abusing her and reportedly knowingly giving her an STD while they were in a relationship. That trial is set to begin next April. Johnny Depp fanboys are already excited for it.

Who is Chris Pine?

Handsome actor who many people remember from big ass movies like “Star Trek” and mean-ass indies “Hell or High Water.” A decade ago he was also the recipient of sexts from actress Olivia Munn that were later leaked to the greater internet and which I absolutely did not read, no way. Currently has one of the most tragic dye jobs I’ve ever seen on anyone, man or woman.

Who is Jason Sudeikis?

Ted Lasso. Used to be in a long-term relationship with Wilde but now isn’t.

How are they all connected?

Wilde directed “Don’t Worry Darling” and also acts, alongside Pine, in a supporting role. Styles and Pugh are the lead couple, with Styles occupying a role once held down by LaBeouf, who was reportedly fired just as cameras started to roll, but before FKA twigs came forward with her accusations.

According to an interview that Wilde gave to Variety’s Elizabeth Wagmeister, LaBeouf got booted from the set because the actor “has a process that, in some ways, seems to require a combative energy, and I don’t personally believe that is conducive to the best performances.” I’m gonna play freelance translator here and say that he likes to hit people a lot.

Wilde also told Wagmeister that, for the sake of female empowerment on screen, “Men don’t come in this film. Only women here!” Because there’s nothing that drives heterosexual men like me away from a movie more than the prospect of seeing a woman getting off.

Should we believe Wilde when she says she fired LaBeouf for being a LeDickhead?

Nope. LaBeouf says he quit the movie and that Wilde didn’t fire him at all. And he brought receipts. Roll the video …

Nothing says “I care” like sending someone a video that you filmed while driving a car. It’s how I plan on wishing my wife a happy 20th anniversary two weeks from now. YOU CALL THIS DIRECTING, LADY? This video would certainly make it appear like Wilde was more interested in getting Pugh to grit her teeth and muscle through days of filming with LaBeouf — like Theron had to deal with Hardy’s belligerence throughout “Fury Road” — than in making Pugh feel “safe,” as Wilde later claimed. The truth is probably messier than all of that, but also far less interesting. Especially when you consider what happened next.

What was that?

LaBeouf was replaced by Styles, whom Wilde claims she had always wanted for the role but couldn’t hire due to Styles’ ongoing commitments as one of the biggest pop stars in the world. Styles did have acting experience, most notably in Christopher Nolan’s World War II epic “Dunkirk.” I don’t remember which character Styles played in that film. I don’t remember ANY character from that film, really. Perhaps because none of them orgasmed on camera. Who’s to say?

So hiring Styles put an end to all the drama, yes?

[Bart Simpson voice] Au contraire, mon frère. After Styles came aboard, he and Wilde GOT IT ON. Many watermelon sugar highs were had. Wilde and Sudeikis eventually separated, with Sudeikis’ people serving Wilde custody papers for their children while she was on stage at CinemaCon in Las Vegas. I wish that the late New York Post gossip columnist Liz Smith was still alive to report this news, and to use the word “canoodling” five times in each paragraph.

Speaking of the Post, their Page Six reports (grain of salt) that Pugh was repulsed by Wilde’s and Styles’ on-set affair, which may or may not have begun while Wilde was still in a relationship with Sudeikis. In addition, Pugh told Harper’s Bazaar that she didn’t exactly feel empowered by Wilde’s “only girls bust a nut here!” filming policy, given that her own on-camera orgasm was the main attraction of the first “DWD” trailer.

Did they all send up settling their differences in the octagon?

I wish. But alas, no. No, instead they all agreed to meet in Temecula, and by Temecula I mean Venice. There, Pugh skipped out on the “DWD” presser despite very much being in the city to attend it (and will reportedly skip the New York premiere). Styles arrived apart from Wilde, which has to mean something because two people in love are not allowed to travel separately. Styles also declared the movie to be “a movie,” which surprised many of the people in attendance and birthed a Pine meme that has already been ground into dust. Wilde accused the internet of being mean and nosy (us? never). And Styles was caught on camera appearing to spit into Pine’s lap at the premiere, despite there being no visible spittle anywhere in a video of the incident. Break it down Zapruder-style all you like, but I’m quite confident that my mom’s favorite pop star isn’t gonna openly spit on one of his co-stars in a place where everyone on the goddamn planet can see him do it.

Where’s that leave everything?

Nowhere. But I would like to direct you to this series of tweets outlining how Wilde’s mother once ran for Congress in Virginia against the confusingly named Denver Riggleman, and allegedly accused Riggleman of being horny for Bigfoot. Perhaps Riggleman would like to see Bigfoot orgasm on camera one day. However, to this day, Riggleman denies the accusations. He also defeated Wilde’s mom in that particular election. That doesn’t really have anything to do with “Don’t Worry Darling,” but would YOU leave it out of this blog post? Of course not.

OK, but is the movie any good?

That’s really the question, isn’t it? After all, “Fury Road” was so good that it has managed to outlive the controversy behind its production. If “DWD,” which comes out at the end of this month, is also a good movie, no one will care about the affairs, or the petty grudges, or the spit that wasn’t. But I didn’t get a screener of the movie from Warner Brothers, so for the moment I have to rely on other critics to give me an idea of what’s in store. Here’s what one of them, Vanity Fair’s Richard Lawson, thought of it:

“[A] stack of blurry copies of things done better elsewhere, years ago.”

Lawson was hardly alone in having that opinion, and that’s the real tragedy here. I assume that all celebrities hate each other, all the time. The public matter of Olivia Wilde Versus Her Cast is good and juicy, but not exactly a shock. The bigger surprise, and a decidedly worse one, would be if the best part of Wilde’s directing career is behind her, instead of in front of her. 

But good directors are allowed to fail, and so I hope, with all earnestness, that this entire scandal ends up being forgotten. Not because Wilde wants it to be forgotten, but because she ends up with a filmography that’s much more memorable by comparison.