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Moves aimed at children can result in some very fun products. Since they’re allowed to get away with more than films aimed at older audiences, it allows the writers to try more outside-the-box ideas. This is especially seen in the world of live-action films.
Unfortunately, this leniency can lead to a project that ends up going too far. When one looks at their plots, writing, and characters, one has to wonder if there was someone to give a second opinion on set.
‘The Garbage Pail Kids Movie’ (1987)
A boy named Dodger works at an antique shop, where he’s told not to touch a particular garbage can. One day, some older bullies come in and topple the can, which releases a gaggle of misbehaving creatures called the Garbage Pail Kids. Though the kids are obnoxious and love causing trouble, they befriend Dodger and try to help him with his problems.
How the writers of this film thought that this plot would be funny or engaging for anyone, let alone children, is a question for the ages. The plot makes no sense, and includes such plot points as a prison/death camp for ugly people and forcing the kids to work in a sweatshop, so Dodger can get a girlfriend. The kids themselves are also deplorable, with unlikable personalities and some of the worst animatronics seen in film.
‘Little Monsters’ (1989)
After moving into a new house, eleven-year-old Brian has a hard time adjusting. He is bullied at his new school, and strange things happen around the house, which he gets blamed for. When Brian tries to capture the culprit, he meets Maurice, a monster from another world who loves pranks.
While monster world and effects are both very creative, the film is too mean-spirited for its own good. Many of Maurice’s pranks go way too far, and most human characters act just as cruel, if not more so than the monsters. The film’s humor is also very crass, with many unnecessary sexual innuendos.
‘Ghost Dad’ (1990)
An infamous flop directed by late, all-time great actor Sidney Poitier, Ghost Dad is about a widower named Elliot (disgraced comedian Bill Cosby, at the height of his TV fame), who is so committed to work that he misses out on his children’s lives. After getting into a taxi driven by a satanist, they get into an accident and returns as a ghost. Learning that he will likely pass on next Thursday, Elliot decides to use the time he has, and his new ghost powers, to help his family.
While Ghost Dad gets credit for a creative idea, it’s botched by its comedic tone. The fact that the kids could be left without their surviving parent is sidelined for poor jokes and Elliot using his new powers to help his son with magic tricks. The rules for what a ghost can and cannot do are also poorly defined and contradicted throughout.
‘North’ (1994)
A young boy named North is praised by every pair of parents except his own, who are too absorbed in their work to appreciate him. One day, after talking to a man in an Easter Bunny suit. North decides to divorce his parents. The judge gives him one month to find a new family, which takes him around the world.
North has garnered a reputation as one of the worst movies ever made. While it is full of talented actors, including a young Elijah Wood, it is marred by bad writing choices, unfunny comedy, and nearly every single cultural stereotype imaginable. The best you can say about the movie is that it spawned film critic Roger Ebert’s “Hated, hated, hated it.” quote.
‘Milk Money’ (1994)
When their school begins studying sexual education, three boys named Brad, Frank, and Kevin, become obsessed with seeing a woman naked. After saving up their money, they head into the city and hire an escort named V, who agrees to show them her breasts. She also agrees to drive them home, but when her car breaks down, Frank offers to let her stay in his tree house and pose as his math teacher.
If that premise wasn’t awkward and confusing enough, the film is presented in a lighthearted and jovial tone. The music is whimsical and charming, the kids all act innocent to the sexual subjects around them, and every joke is some kind of innuendo. This leaves the film feeling uncomfortable and unfocused.
‘Jack’ (1996)
When a baby is delivered fully developed at ten weeks, everyone is left confused. After some tests, the doctors tell his parents that their son, Jack, ages at four times the rate of a normal human. By age ten, he appears to be forty, making it difficult for him to have a normal social life and education.
Jack almost works as a film: it’s well directed and all the actors, particularly Robin Williams, do a good job with the material given. Unfortunately, the story is predictable and contrived, the jokes aren’t funny, and the film reaches too far for emotional moments. Despite a well-intended message about the importance of life, it remains the lowest point in director Francis Ford Coppola’s career.
‘Kazaam’ (1996)
Fleeing some school bullies, twelve-year-old Max heads into an abandoned building and discovers a magic boombox. Inside it is a 5000-year-old genie named Kazaam, who is bound to serve Max until he makes three wishes. Meanwhile, Max learns that his estranged father is close by, and attempts to re-establish a connection with him.
This film is an ad-lib of genre clichés and chasing popular trends of the time, leaving it with little to no identity of its own. One moment it’s about a boy trying to bond with his father, and the next it’s about a magical genie becoming a rap star with lyrics like, “let’s green egg and ham it.” It also doesn’t help that Shaquille O’Neal can neither act nor rap, which further adds to the film’s awkwardness.
‘Baby Geniuses’ (1999)
Behind the walls of BabyCo, experiments are being conducted on infants based on a theory that all humans start off as geniuses, then lose their intellect as they mature. One baby, named Sly, manages to escape from the facility and runs into his twin brother, Whit. The two are swapped, but thanks to a telepathic link, they form a plan to free the captured babies.
Literally, nothing about Baby Geniuses works for children or adults. The effects looked fake at release, unfunny jokes are repeated again and again, and the extent of the baby’s abilities seems to be whatever the writers need at the moment. Somehow, this film managed to get a sequel in 2004, which many considered to be even worse.
‘Son of The Mask’ (2005)
In 1994, The Mask became a surprising success thanks to its humor and an unforgettable performance by Jim Carrey. Eleven years later, a sequel sees the magic mask falling into the hands of a struggling cartoonist. He ends up conceiving a child while wearing the mask, who is born with the same zany powers, while Loki is dispatched to retrieve the mask by Odin.
Son of the Mask tries to fill the voice left by Carrey with childish slapstick comedy. The early CGI ends up looking terrifying more often than silly, particularly when the family dog wears the mask and plays Tom and Jerry with the baby. The storyline with Loki and Odin’s father/son relationship is meant to be emotionally compelling, but more often than not feels disconnected and pointless.
‘The Nutcracker in 3D’ (2010)
In 1920s Austria, Albert Einstein visits his niece and nephew and leaves them with a nutcracker and dollhouse while their parents go to a Christmas party. That night, the nutcracker and his friends come to life and reveal that their kingdom was taken over by the Rat King and his army. When the rats learn about this, they invade the children’s house.
Director Andrei Konchalovsky spent over twenty years on this dream project, which makes the results all the more puzzling. Among the more questionable decisions include the nutcracker’s unsettling design, adding lyrics to Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s iconic ballet music, and depicting the rats as Nazi soldiers who burn toys like it’s the Holocaust. The best that can be said is that Nathan Lane and John Turturro do their damnedest in their role as Albert Einstein and the Rat King.
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